Doing Vengeance Right

I take the Bible seriously (I did grow up Evangelical after all). You cannot escape the Beatitudes and think that violence is a good thing and you can’t read the end of Romans and think that vengeance is a good thing. Jesus taught what was called third way thinking: We are neither victim nor oppressor. So turning the other cheek was a gesture that made oppressors look like oppressors by attacking innocent people (thus, revealing their evil ways).

Now and then, we cannot let people keep beating up on us and allow them to continue hurting us. In my early 20’s I dated a girl for slightly over a year and a half, and the break up ended badly. Afterwards, she was malicious towards my family. She was psychologically abusive towards me. She tried to get back together so I’d help her move. She was engaged months later to someone else and was still sending me nasty emails. She wouldn’t even give me back my seasons of The Office (That Bi**h!!!). Anyways, in a season of depression after all of this ended, my friend couldn’t take seeing me this way anymore, so we devised a plan:

My friend and I knew where she was living. He picked me up in his car, and we stopped by at the grocery store. I went to the back of the store and picked up ten lbs of fresh fish. We drove 30 minutes to the apartment where she was living, and she was inside with another man (presumably her fiance). Anyways, while she was in there my friend and I went over to her car and started taking off the hubcaps. Slowly, we began placing fresh fish inside of her wheels. And, after we had crammed all of the fish we could into her hubcaps, we walked away.

By now she had already unfriended me on Facebook, but she didn’t unfriend my friend who helped me. Week after week, she would post things like, “My car smells like something died and I don’t know what happened.” Or, “My car smells awful, can someone tell me why?” She talked about looking under her seats, her engine, her trunk, her backseat but no one looks in the hubcaps.

I don’t advocate for hurting people; I just make their car smell. Do vengeance well, my friends.


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